November 10, 2010
Girly Addictions
It’s time to ‘fess up.
I am officially a bit of a girly girl at the ripe old age of 39, which is quite surprising considering that I grew up a tomboy and was never seen in a dress! I stayed a bit of a tomboy during my 20′s, favouring non-colours like black, black and more black for my wardrobe and accessories (not very adventurous!)
Something happened in my mid 30′s – I started to love the colour pink (so shoot me), got a fascination for all things with butterflies on them and wanted things with zing and bling all over them.
I cannot resist new pyjamas, I have 2 massive drawers stuffed with pj’s AND more on my walk in wardrobe shelf, what is even more shocking is that 90% of my pj’s are PINK! Great for mixing and matching different shades of pink – my husband won’t let me walk past the nightwear section at the major stores, because I always buy another pair of pj’s (I have so many I could open a new shop, called Pinky PJ’s – maybe I am on to something?)
I am also addicted to nice quilt covers (or doona cover as we call them here in Australia) – love to shop on eBay for yet ANOTHER quilt cover to change the look of my room, the “look” at the moment is black, silver and white, which I am loving (amazingly the only pink in my bedroom is me in the bed in my pink pj’s and my chihuahua’s tongue)
My third addiction is a new addiction – I am collecting accessories, stationery, pictures, anything really that has the colour teal in it or all over it, this is the colour of my new business logo and I am loving it, I am even having a tote bag custom-made in teal fabric to take with me when I go and see clients.
So when am I happiest? On the day I hit the shops and get new pink pj’s, a new quilt cover and a great accessory in a striking teal and something with a butterfly on it – easy to buy presents for, I am!
I like my quirky addictions, what are yours?
October 5, 2010
Out of the Ashes
I am happy, genuinely happy – in the midst of trials I am happy, why is this so important that I may write about it I hear you ask? I have risen from the ashes, overcame the darkness and have lifted my face towards the Son (not a spelling mistake) – yet again, God has lifted me from the dark places.
A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with chronic depression and put on anti-depressant tablets, I was very low from months of physical pain relating to a back injury, isolation and loneliness and just feeling really worthless. At first I gave in to the concept of being depressed and took the pills like the good doctor ordered, the first brand I took put me in bed for 3 days with extreme tiredness, lack of appetite and many more horrible side effects, I could not continue on those, they were dragging me under so I went back to the GP for another type to be told that I could not take my morpheine-based painkillers with the anti-depressant, it was one or the other as they did not mix – choices!
I took the anti-depressant for 2 days with my pain levels going through the roof and finally decided enough was enough – I then had a lightbulb moment, a moment that changed the direction I was heading in forever, I said NO to the depression, I decided to be grateful for what I had instead of focusing on what I was lacking, I became thankful for the love of my husband and family, I gave thanks for being alive and most of all I reached out to God. I took a big risk and stopped taking the anti-depressant so that I could take my painkillers again and I am just fine!
I realised that to some degree our mood is influenced by the state of our mind, our thoughts, our feelings and our levels of faith and hope – all of these were in a bad state when I hit depression, I had just about given up, but somehow the fighter inside of me fought back and I rose like the Phoenix from the Ashes to celebrate another day. With God’s help I turned the tide on my diagnosis, still surprises me, but regardless – I am a changed woman.
I still have constant pain but no longer is it going to control my life, I am going to do what I want to do with the pain regardless, go out, visit people and places, socialise and be with my family – I was fed up of feeling sorry for myself and complaining about my constant pain and problems, it achieved nothing except to bring me down further.
I read a book which had this quote in it “Thoughts=Action and Action=Happiness” – I put it into practice literally and it works, try it!
I am still on my healing journey with my painful back injury but I have taken my life back, there are others who are in much worse medical situations than me, what do I have to feel sorry about? It’s all about perspective…
I turned a corner, I am grateful and happier than I have been for a long time – hallelujah!
September 15, 2010
Treechange Time
Hubby and I are planning a treechange – we are relocating our family to the beautiful Upper Blue Mountains area of NSW.
I have been in love with the Blue Mountains since my early 20′s, I remember I used to escape up there many times for a weekend away from my high-flying career and busy lifestyle I had living in the inner city at the time. I also have fond memories of going up there during my pregnancy with Dylan for a couple of nice weekends away and I have always loved the Mountains – I used to think I wanted to live there one day.
We are doing it! I am fed up to the back teeth of suburbia in Sydney, living in a suburb where we don’t have nice neighbours and everybody is too busy to stop and say hello, the houses are squashed together and I feel my personality is squashed also, I am over the south-western suburbs big time! Goodbye suburbia!
We are putting our 4 boys in the most delightful small private Christian school up the Mountains, only a few hundred students Kindy-Year 12 and a real “community” – a school where all the parents know each other, many socialise and support each other and the kids can grow up forming friendships for life. The kids will get solid Christian schooling with teachers who really seem to care about the “whole kid” not just their education, how exciting to think of teachers praying for my boys every day before lessons begin! The school will most importantly be able to support my son with his ADHD and PDD-NOS, they have plenty of experience, love and patience – an answer to prayer.
I crave village life, to buy my fruit and veg from the fabulous local shop there in Blackheath rather than buying wilted stuff from Woolworths or Coles at my local shopping centre where we live now – real fresh stuff and all served with the friendly chat you tend to get in smaller communities, there are other things I love there too – cafes, bookshops and the most fantastic cafe with a bric-a-brac antique shop that has the most amazing things in there, you can shop and browse in there for HOURS…
There is a chocolate shop (yum) and some award-winning restaurants in Blackheath too, lovely parks, and of course amazing mountain views and bushwalks (that will keep Mr Outdoors happy, my husband) – we can have picnics and get fit at the same time…it’s all very exciting!
This is a big lifestyle change for us, a one that has been chosen with much prayer and thought – we want to be part of a smaller, closer community, get involved with a local church, make new friends and start all things new – time for a treechange.
We have to get our house ready to go on the market, get that sold and either buy or rent depending on what we find up there – one way or another I know that God has the perfect plan….my life has been on hold for most of this year, but the winds of change and movement are finally here, I cannot wait for my big change, I embrace and adore changes for the better…
We are on our way up the mountain, and I am coming out of the valley I have been in for the whole of 2010….
September 13, 2010
To Baby or Not To Baby?
I have been pondering whether I want another baby or not….not a matter to ever be trivialized, not sure why it is on my mind so much, I don’t feel clucky, but something is stirring inside…
I am nearly 39 years old, so not getting any younger (tell me when you have worked that one out!) and have 1 birth son and 3 stepson’s all living at home with us, they range in ages from 9-11 so all very similar in age.
I missed out on the experience of raising a child from birth with a partner as I chose to be a single mother by choice and raised my son on my own for most of my years with him until my recent marriage, I had a brief second marriage before this one which went horribly wrong and was a stepmother to 3 non-custodial children in that marriage, so far I have experienced being a stepdaughter, having both non-custodial and custodial stepchildren, having one birth child whom I raised alone but….I have never had a baby with someone who then sticks around and plays a part in the raising of that child.
I would like to have a little person who is a bit of me and a bit of my husband (what a good-looking, intelligent kid he/she would be!) something that we made together, stepfamilies are something that you bring together but you miss a lot of the early years like first words, first bath, first steps taken, memories that I have alone with my son and my husband has those memories with the boys’ birth mother, not me 
My husband has been more open to the idea than I would have expected which has surprised me and I wonder if a baby would help complete our family or tear it apart further? I know it’s hard work, I mean I did it alone and THAT was hard work and I know it’s self-sacrificial in it’s very nature, raising a child that is but I still keep thinking I want to go for it.
I want a girl, badly want a girl, would still love a boy but would dearly love to have a little girl. Listen to me, talking like I want it (do I?)
Our concerns are the age gap, the fact that we are moving towards more independent years (selfish years if you like) where the boys are getting more independent and less dependent and will soon be strapping big teenagers so we will have teen dramas to navigate, do we want dirty nappies and lack of sleep thrown in the mix? Maybe, because maybe that first smile will make up for all of that, the first time baby holds your finger and squeezes and a baby that we made together would be awesome (if not a lot of fun practicing making the baby LOL)
Let me share a bit of a secret with you, don’t tell anyone ok? I was praying one day many years ago, feeling very alone as a single mother and I felt God say to me “you will have another child” then very clearly He added “by your own womb” – at the time I thought it was a funny thing to add-on the end, now I realise he might have been making me a promise letting me know that I WOULD have another child, not a stepchild, one that came from my womb quite literally. I feel a bit like Sarah, I have been made a promise but am lacking in faith..
All our boys say they would love us to have a baby, my son especially wants a “real” brother or sister and I can see times when the baby would be a wonderful addition to our family, and would be a much fussed over, well-loved little boy or girl…my fear is that the boys won’t cope with it, that jealousies will come up and further divisions will be formed, it’s been hard enough getting us to this point of relative peace in our home.
I keep looking at babies at the shops, wanting to go up and put my finger in theirs so that they hold on tight and find myself smiling like a goose at any baby I see, delighted when they gurgle and smile back at me, I keep nudging my husband and saying “look honey, look at that cute baby” whilst he is more concerned over which flavour yoghurt he should choose…
In talking to him (my husband) I can’t help but think that God must be at work on his heart as well as mine as when we both got married we both agreed we NEVER wanted any other children and were happy with that, things have changed a bit…I may not be able to get pregnant, was told I was infertile or difficult to have a baby which is why my son is such a miracle, but with God, all things are possible.
What do you think? To baby or not to baby? Love to know your thoughts, leave me a comment…
I must stop looking at strollers and nappy bags and deciding if I like the colours or not…
Overwhelmed
Today I am overwhelmed, totally and utterly. Today I want to climb back under the covers and just sleep, all day and all night and possibly for the rest of the week too.
I have just had to partake in a half hour case conference call with my insurance company, my employer, the rehabilitation company and my GP in relation to my return to work and my injury. The only person in that room that “got me” was my GP – they expect things of me that I can’t give at the moment and if they push me anymore I am just going to snap, the Workers Compensation process is disgusting, I am shocked at what I have been through and how I have been treated.
I have been diagnosed with depression, not surprising considering my pain levels warrant 60mg of morpheine a day just to get by, the isolation and social loneliness I now have and the totally reduced ability to be a wife, mother, stepmother and human being really gets you down. I am currently working 6 hours per week, 6 hours does not sound like much for but for me right now that is stressful enough, my company is in turmoil, financially and ethically, I hate being part of it.
My role has been taken partly off me by the boss’s wife, then they are hiring another person in another state to do more of my job, yet they tell me I am returning to my old role, my old role does not exist! I don’t want to return to my old role, I don’t want to return at all. I want to get better and get out, I cannot agree with the dishonest and unethical things they do.
This week I have specialist appointments every single week, it’s a lot to get ready, go out, drive myself, wait in waiting rooms and get home in time for the kids arriving home from school, I have to fit work in around that, they are wanting my hours to increase which is fine with me once I am well enough to do it. I type lying down with a laptop on my lap, it’s not ideal, at times it’s hard – this blog is hard, but I have to get it out!
I feel de-valued, misunderstood and treated like I am an idiot, I have a severe back injury, none of these people show compassion or understanding, I am just a business transaction to them.
I feel I am failing as a wife, a mother and a stepmother, as well as trying to be an employee, I am wearing too many hats and need to take some off, yet they want me to wear more, I might snap, my brain might snap, my emotions might snap, then they will have nobody doing their work. Everybody who works in my company is miserable, the morale is rock bottom, I won’t mention specifics, but it is horrendous.
I want to get better so I can get out, follow my dreams – I need healing so badly!
I am overwhelmed, overwhelmed, overwhelmed…waiting on my Lord to give me the strength I don’t have…I want to go back to bed but can’t as I have kids bouncing home from school very soon, so I have to cheer up and be strong and available for them – or do I? What is expected of me anyway? Where am I in the midst of all these roles and titles? Where is the authentic me?
That’s all for today – tomorrow will be a better day I am sure.
September 12, 2010
Still My Pumpkin
My birth son, my miracle baby turns 11 today!
Why is he a miracle baby I hear you say? He is a miracle baby as I was told I would be unlikely to have children after a combination of endometriosis and a cervical scrape I had in my early 20′s to remove pre-cancerous cells discovered during a routine pap smear (yes ladies, they DO save lives!)
I presumed I would never fall pregnant, I believe he is a gift from God in every way, my son – I had a dream-like vision one night before I was pregnant and even before I was a Christian when I had Jesus come to me holding the hand of a little red-haired boy and invited me to take his other hand, I took Jesus’ hand and the three of us walked up a long road towards a rainbow (yes, sounds a bit like the Wizard of Oz I know!)
A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, it was mixed emotions – delight at falling pregnant at age 26 after being told probably never having children, but sadness and some fear at the fact that I had just broken off my engagement to my son’s father as I not only did not trust him but did not love him, now what was I to do?
I decided to go it alone, to have my baby and be a single mother by choice, my partner at the time offered to marry me, do the right thing, but I knew it was all wrong and we would end up divorced, I wanted my son to have a stable single parent home, rather than a conflict riddled two-parent home ending up in divorce and pain for everyone, it was a brave decision and the timing was difficult too – my Mother died from lung cancer 3 months into my pregnancy, she never got to meet her only and first grandchild, which was really sad..
So the birth story, well that has funny moments – my waters broke late morning on the 11th September as I was putting out the garbage bins of all things! Very glamorous (NOT!) – I was on my own, I thought I had peed myself! I went back home and then it dawned on me sitting in my little townhouse that my waters had broken! I rang the hospital I was booked into (Royal Women’s at Randwick) and they said to just monitor things for the rest of the day…I rang my 2 friends who were to be my support in the birthing room and told them things were happening, be ready to go!
It got to early evening and there was no signs of much action, just minor contractions so the hospital said to come on in as they would have to induce me if labour did not commence on its own accord – so I was bundled into my friend’s car, bag packed and off we went, down the M2 from the western suburbs of Sydney towards the eastern suburbs, every bump was annoying me, the contractions were building up a bit by now and I yelled at the guy in the booth on the M2 when he took too long to get my friend her change from a $10 note – I am having a baby, hurry up!
I spent an uneventful night in a hospital room with visitors coming and going, trying to make my son come out on his own, I even jumped up and down for a bit which must have looked quite funny at the time and tried reasoning with him through my stomach, but he was stubborn, determined to stay in thanks very much! I had a water birth planned (yes I know, a bit controversial) but due to my high blood pressure they told me no can do the water birth, off to a normal birthing room – my advice to first time Mothers, don’t have a plan, because it will probably be thrown out of the window! Mine was!
I was induced on the drip at 9am, contractions building up slowly – I said to the midwife “I don’t know what these women are complaining about, these are not that bad these contraction things” – she looked at me with much pity and I am sure a hint of malice and I caught her eye hours later when I was screaming the house down, like she was saying “you were saying, honey?” – how naive was I?
I had told my 2 friends, NO DRUGS, no matter what I say, but then I changed my mind, after hours of labour and my back feeling like it was going to be split in half I asked for drugs, my friend said “No, you said to tell you no, even if you ask for them” I said “but I have changed my mind, it’s really painful” she said “you said to say no even if you said that” I said “but I am changing my plans now, I really need the drugs” she said “you said to say no, if you said that too” – fantastic! I had planned for everything, bugger!
The midwife took pity on me and we tried the gas, that resulted in me throwing it half way across the room and hitting a midwife in the arm with it, next we tried a warm shower, I felt like I was drowning and suffocating and HATED the water (and I was booked for a water birth, imagine!) so out we came, I finally found some type of comfort, standing up, with my head buried in my friends very ample bosoms, it must have made for a very strange sight as she tirelessly stood for hours and supported me…then I decided I was tired and said “ok, we are NOT having a baby today, I need to go back to my room” – wishful thinking!
The pain was unbearable now and I really wanted drugs, they told me I was too far along for an epidural, so I got a touch of pethedine and found myself lying on my side in some type of half reality zone, drifting in and out and digging my nails very deep into my dear friends arms, then they told me the baby was coming, I argued with them – apparently I had my legs closed up tight, not the best position to push a baby out from and a conversation went a bit like this:
Midwife: “You need to open your legs”
Me: “Get Stuffed, you open your legs”
Midwife: “We can’t get your baby out with your legs shut”
Me: “I don’t care if the baby comes out of my bum!”
This then resulted in drastic action with 2 midwives, prising open my legs together so one leg was in the air and I resembled a pair of scissors lying down in my side, what a bizarre position, then came the amazing feeling……whoa! I needed to P U S H! I started pushing, got told to slow down, are you kidding me? I have a tidal wave in me pushing to get out, can’t slow down, but tried anyway, I was singing “I am woman, hear my roar…” in my head, I felt so POWERFUL, so WOMANLY, so STRONG – I loved the pushing part of giving birth, it was so fantastic!
A few pushes and lots of breathing later and my son entered the world at 5:59pm on 12th September 1999 – hello world! My friend had been watching the birth a bit too closely for my liking with her head stuck between my legs and announced “he has black hair!” – what! I was fair with auburn hair and his father was very fair with blonde hair, something was horribly wrong! It was okay, the midwife explained that his hair was wet with gooey stuff (technical name) and he actually had lovely red hair, phew, it was my baby I pushed out after all….
Mum and baby were just fine, a 6 hour labour, not bad for a first and most of it drug-free – what a hero to myself I was! His father came in the room and we got some first photos of father and son together (shame he has wanted nothing to do with him ever since) and my Dad and his family all came in the room too – my pumpkin was finally here, just me and him against the world – my little man, my precious angel.
He is 11 today – I can’t call him my pumpkin anymore, he gets very embarrassed at me, but deep down, even when he is 25, he will always be Mummy’s little pumpkin – I love you today and every day, and always will – Happy Birthday Pumpkin!
September 8, 2010
Letting Go
My son, who is 10 went off to his very first school camp today – this raised a multitude of feelings in me, his Mum. I felt proud, excited, worried, stressed, delighted, concerned, fussy and very happy (all at the same time, something that confuses many of our men folk!)
My son has extra social challenges with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified!) and ADHD, but that is not going to stop him! No, it’s me that worries about him making it in the world, in fact, me thinketh that I worry too much. As I packed his little suitcase, I considered jumping in and hiding in the front pocket, going along as his security blanket, but no matter how much weight I have lost I could not fit into that suitcase! I have zipper marks on my face now.
He doesn’t want me in the suitcase, he is fine! I will be right Mum he says (are you sure, I think) – but I am a typical Mother, a touch over-protective, very loving and a bit obsessed with nagging things like “make sure you brush your teeth” “make sure you bring all your clothes home” “if you are cold wear your jacket” – he thinks “yes, yes, yes Mum – I am only going for 2 nights not 20 years, I will be fine, honest Mum!”
I am very proud, if I was a peacock (not last time I checked) I would have all my feathers fluffed out and be doing a strut around our house (that might scare our dog a bit!) my son is all grown-up (well nearly)
He has gone with his older step-brother, I don’t worry so much about him, he has good social skills and doesn’t have the extra social and stimuli challenges that my son will face, I take comfort knowing that there are so many activities jam-packed into 2 days that his busy little ADHD brain will love it! The more to do, the better, it’s the boring bus trip that might be the issue – I have visions of him starting the bus games and shouting at the bus driver “are we there yet” (They left 15 minutes ago LOL!)
So, I have let go and really let God, deep breaths. in. out. in. out (shake it all about) – he will be fine, he will be fine, he will be fine. *Sighs heavily
My prayer is that he makes new friendships, has amazing experiences and lots of fun. Husband and I are going down to stay nearby at the request of the school, just in case he needs some extra support, but I am believing we won’t hear from the school because he is doing so well, but I take some comfort knowing we are 15 minutes drive away if he needs us.
My son is my miracle baby, I was told I would never have kids and here he is, my only birth child, the one I birthed from my womb, my angel, my precious little baby, not a baby anymore, but a big boy now, pre-teen even! It’s his birthday on Sunday and he will be 11 years old, where did the years go?
I love you my pumpkin (don’t call me that MUM!) – love you with all I am and will worry just a little bit (just a weeny bit) until you come home from camp again.
Mummy loves you darling..more than to the moon and back…letting go, but just a little bit…hold on to me a bit longer won’t you? I am not sure I like this letting go business just yet…
September 6, 2010
Caregiver – Tired of Rescuing
I am overwhelmed today, totally and utterly – mentally, physically and emotionally.
I have given too much of myself and not got enough back and am running on twenty below zero – I am an empty shell of myself. I am a caregiver, it’s not a good thing to be, we rescue others from their own mistakes and take on too much responsibility that belongs to others. I am super organised, super responsible and always trying to save others from falling in a ditch of their own making, why? because I care too much, yes you can care too much.
My counsellor that I see now and then has told me to stop doing it with this family, to only listen to my needs and work on taking care of the things for myself, that if my husband wants to make mistakes and lose relationships or destroy things, then let him see the consequences of his actions, I have talked to him until the cows came home (silly saying, what does that mean anyway) about things our family needs, things his kids want and need from him and things I need as a wife, for 3 years I have asked for some of these things.
Nothing changes, nothing seems to motivate the change, my Counsellor told me “tough love Maxine” – but I don’t feel very tough. She wants me to go back to her and tell her what I want to do, I am not clear on what she meant by that, it scared me a bit, make a decision on what exactly? I should have clarified.
My husband knows what he is meant to be doing to hold us together as a family, has heard pain and heartache, but nothing seems to motivate the changes that we all desperately need to make it, we are NOT going to make it if this continues, everyone is unhappy, sad and does not have their own needs met, its dangerous ground right now.
I am committed to my marriage but feel like I might be being a bit of a fool, sitting here watching the family fall apart, only he can fix it, I have been told I can’t make this family work on my own, it takes two. My counsellor asked me a challenging question last session, she told me she saw how passionate I was about this being a happy family, about the kids walking with good role modelling and knowing Gods ways, that I was absolute in my desire and passion for my husband’s kids to have a relationship with their father, that my desires were honourable – however….
“Was that what he wanted deep down” – what do you mean I thought, of course it would be what everyone wants deep down, then I thought some more to myself “so why does he not do the things that make it like this” – that my friends is the burning question, what is going to motivate someone to change things before it’s too late, to put in more effort, to care about other’s needs?
I think my Counsellor thinks he has had enough time (3 years) and enough chances and has been told not only from me, but from her also what he needs to do, so if he does not do these things and our family falls apart because of it, what am I supposed to do, what choices do I make? This is not the life I wanted, not at all, but such BASIC things need to change, basic emotional needs to be met..
What am I going to do? No idea? What am I supposed to do? No idea! What should I do? No idea…….I just want our family to be whole and happy.
Stop rescuing is what I need to do, if a man has to fall into a hole or a dark place and lose everything, then let him fall, and don’t reach out a hand to stop the fall, sometimes God needs to break someone down for change to occur, I know now what I need to do – I need to get out of the way. The over care-taking and rescuing stops here, today…
I am sad – this has been a hard blog to write, very hard indeed.
September 4, 2010
No Pain, No Gain
I went to the beauty/day spa today, otherwise known as a woman’s torture chamber!
Why do we do it to ourselves? I had my eyebrows waxed first, on went the hot wax the RIP, ouch, sting, ouch, ouch, this happened to top and bottom, then I said do the lip too, lips hurt even more! Then the plucking began, little needle-like touches of tiny pain….oooh we are gluttons for punishment. I have to say she was VERY meticulous, not one stray eyebrow hair escaped this lady’s eagle eye, she was very good indeed, she caused a lot of pain so it must be good right? LOL!
Then came the eyelash tint (I have very fair eyelashes and eyebrows) – that is a strange experience and a strange thing to do really when you think of it, getting your eyelashes dyed, I was relieved that this time no dye got in my eye, ouch! That really STINGS! She was very good, I like this new beauty spa I have discovered next door to my GP (where I spend half my life!)
My beautification was finished off by the eyebrow tint and voila! Woman with lovely eyebrows and eyelashes but wait! RED BLOTCHES everywhere! Red forehead, red upper lip, not a good look and I had to go Fathers Day Shopping after that LOL, they helped out, but a bit of foundation on and I did my makeup in the car.
I have never been brave enough to have the legs or bikini line waxed, I do that at home with the good old Nair cream…but maybe one day, when I feel I need to punish myself with more pain I will book myself in.
Women – strange but wonderful creatures that we are, we go through the strangest rituals to be “beautiful” – I am happy with my new shapely, darker eyebrows that really enhance my eyes and highlight my face and love my new black eyelashes, I will save heaps on mascara for a while…the red is fading away thank goodness…
I will be back for more, because no pain, no gain..
September 3, 2010
I am NOT Wicked
I did a big thing today…
When my stepkids Mother came to collect them for their weekend visit to her house I decided to show my face for a chat at the front door, I think we have spoken about 5 times in 3 years so this was a big thing, as expected initially I got a cold reception from her and her partner (because they think I am a horrid wicked stepmother) but I decided to ignore that and put on my happy face and start chatting…much to their surprise!
I have invited Birth Mother to have a coffee with me, she asked me once before and I agreed but she never followed through with arranging a time to meet, she said yes she would like to do that but we will wait and see, I suspect her female partner is very possessive and she did not look too happy about this little coffee meeting being discussed…I continued to make small talk, kind of desperate (sad but true) to show her that I am a nice person, really I am, honest!
Us Stepmothers get badly labelled and the kids don’t help, kids have a habit of telling tales between houses, have you found this yourself? Like we hear about little fights they have over there and gossip to which I hold up my hand and say “this is none of our business and I don’t need to hear it as it is gossip and it is wrong, however if something is really bothering you, then please let your Dad know as only he can talk to your Mum and resolve it for you” – I truly don’t want to hear stories or gossip from over there and have been mad many times about stories they have told (often told out of context and exaggerated)
The latest one is that I make one of my stepkids have the same sandwich in his lunch box for days on end if he does not eat this, this is, of course complete rubbish, our rule is this *if you don’t eat your sandwich/muesli bar/crackers whatever at school then you eat it when you get home as afternoon snack as I don’t believe in wasting food and throwing it out to give something else. So that is what this particular stepchild gets told, he often does not eat it all the time as too busy playing sport at school so gets to eat it when he gets home, there was one day, and only one when he did not eat his non-perishable sandwich and I put it in the fridge and gave it to him the next day, somehow this whole rule has turned into use recycling food and giving it back to them, she raised it as a concern with my husband….I was a bit upset, not enough to throw a wobbly but upset that she does not know me and does not know this…
I am a perfectionist with the lunch boxes, I make them up every night and like to give them variety, and different things, healthy things and for me making them is an act of love, their lunch boxes are a lot more interesting than the ones I used to get, I got the same boring sandwich EVERY day of my school life (which I used to swap with someone in my history class at school)
It’s amazing how much we feel we need to justify ourselves, I have had my stepkids say blatant lies about me, I think they must get a big reaction from their Mother or something, or feel closer to her by sharing gossip about me but if I can just be honest I AM SICK OF THE TALE TELLING!!! There, I have said it, really fed up with it, want it to stop – not only does it hurt me, but it upsets their mother as she gets all worked up over things, of course a mature adult would take these things with a pinch of salt and not over-react, but I can’t control any of her reactions at all (be nice if I could LOL)
So, I want to do coffee, for the kids sake, to try to bridge a gap and clear up misunderstandings, I am very proud of the fact that in 3 years of marriage I have only ever said words about their mother to them that were not so nice, only once, before that incident and after that incident they have never heard me say a bad word (and in fact all I spoke was some truth about the fact she could get off her backside and get a job if she was as broke as she says she is and that Daddy and I worked hard to earn the money to buy them things after I was sick of hearing about how hard done by she is and how they wanted to give her their pocket-money! She chooses not to work, perfect capable of working, she was the same when married to my husband, he was the primary breadwinner for nearly their whole marriage)
So wish me luck, I will pursue the coffee meeting if I don’t hear from her, at least the kids will know that I have tried to reach out, I know it means a lot to them for me and their mother to get on, I don’t want to be “close” to her, but I think she will be very surprised to realise how caring, loving and compassionate I am about her children, or perhaps it is that very thing that she does not want to see. She chose to have an affair and walk out on her husband and kids to start a new life, they would still be together if it was not for her choices, but somehow my husband ends up the bad guy all the time, it’s grossly unfair on him.
I will not discuss her marriage to him, or him at all when I meet with her, I would not betray my husband and ever discuss him without him being present, there is nothing I want to or need to know, so the topic of conversation will be the kids and nothing but the kids, she won’t be getting too much of “me” stuff either, I have the wisdom to still be cautious and make sure nothing I share can be thrown back at me…
I am about to read a book called “No One’s The Bitch” – I know I certainly am not a bitch, have never made an enemy in my life or been a bitchy woman, I like amicable relationships so that is why I am trying this big step – because I love my stepkids enough to step out for them and be the bigger, better person, and be the grown up that I am..
Wonder what type of coffee she drinks? I like a skim latte with hazelnut syrup….and I will buy the coffees also, I promise to keep you posted on progress.
I am NOT wicked, Cinderella would have had a different story to tell if I was her Stepmother 
